sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
