Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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