I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
