I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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