And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
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The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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