I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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