Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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