smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
