there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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