put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
