Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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