you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
