this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
