I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
