I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
