I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize