Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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