I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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