unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
