I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
