I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
