dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
