I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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