When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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