I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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