I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
