Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
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you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
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Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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