remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
