doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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