Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
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so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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