I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
