the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
