I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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