Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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