Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
