you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
