ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Sorry about my life...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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