Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
