fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
There's even glitter on my cock...
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