i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
