My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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