DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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