Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
