i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
