i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
