I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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