it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
