I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
