Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got inside last night via doggy door
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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