SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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