What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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