I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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