He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
