pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
