onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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