this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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