I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
