dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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