barbara walters just said penis...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Someone shattered a urinal.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
