States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize