Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
