no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
